A Goron, a Gerudo, and a Zora Walk into a Bar...


by Ryan Kuhn


As you travel across Hyrule, is there a time you think to yourself, “Man, I need to kick back with a cold one”? Do you think about sitting down in a low-key tavern with a drink and some pumpkin soup or a bar that has a great nightlife to party in after sailing all day? Let us pour a glass of our favorite drink, play some Zelda & Chill, and go on a bar crawl through the Zelda Universe.

The first stop is in Skyloft at the Lumpy Pumpkin. After flying around on your Loftwing and taking your leap of faith to the land below to save Zelda, it is nice to just come here and relax. As you land your Loftwing (or jump off it and land flat on your face), you walk in and see the wonderful open area to sit down and relax. The giant chandelier above you is gorgeous and adds to the atmosphere (as long as no one tries to knock it down for a piece of heart). You sit down and order your beverage of choice and the house specialty, pumpkin soup (as it should be). The father/daughter team works as the bartender and server, respectively, to make sure that all the customers are served and, of course, to warn everyone not to knock down the awesome chandelier. However, if you are looking for some entertainment, there just might be some guy in green who plays the harp that is paying off his debt for breaking the chandelier.

The next stop is the Milk Bar. If you ever make it to Clock Town before the moon hits, this is the spot to go to—but you need to know how to get in. This speakeasy-like bar allows only members, but once you rock the Romani Mask, you can make your way in. The bar has only two options for drinks: you can order regular milk or Chateau Romani scotch—I mean, milk. Once you spend the 200 rupees for the Chateau, you can take a seat in a nice wing-back chair, and then you can settle in for the live band. Although you were told it was the Indigo-Go’s, you see a band made up of a Deku on brass, a Zora on guitar, a Goron on drums, and a Hylian child on the ocarina. Though unexpected, they jam out to the classic “Ballad of the Wind Fish” that we all know and love while you sip on your 200-rupee whisk...milk. Again, I meant milk. So, if you like a speakeasy with live bands that play all the classics, this is the bar for you. You can find franchises of the Milk Bar in Kakariko Village and Thieves Town in A Link Between Worlds.

The next stop requires a boat as we make our way to Mercay Island and to another Milk Bar. Though not affiliated with the Milk Bar in Clock Town, they do serve milk to customers, including regulars like Captain Linebeck whenever he comes to shore and Multza as he hides from his wife, Tuzi. Here you can talk to Midori, the bartender, in his watermelon green vest (I see what you did there) and learn the locations of a couple of challenges. As for decor, you see a portrait of Tingle on the wall along with a map that shows where Freedle is on Mercay Island. If you need a break from sailing in the world of Phantom Hourglass, this is the place to go to.

You can continue with your boat trip (and add a flux capacitor to go back in time) to travel to Cafe Bar on Windfall Island. This is the place to be while on Windfall Island, no matter the time of day. During the day, you can relax after a day of using the Wind Waker and kick back. It is also a great place for first dates, though there aren't many other options on the island. If you like a livelier atmosphere, you can come at night and party with any sailors that have pulled in for the night. Though the manager/lone employee is a child due to the owner’s taking sick days, Gillian seems to know how to handle the bar, even if she not happy she has to do it. Whether you like to relax or party hard, this is the bar for you.

If you ever get tired of going back and forth visiting the Minish, then the place to go is Mama's Bar in Hyrule Town. There is even a similar bar for the Town Minish and Forest Picori up in the rafters to relax in without worrying about being stepped on. This is the place to find the gossip going around town. This is also the hangout for the people who can fuse Kinstone pieces for you. So, if you are looking for a place to relax, to drink tea, and to spill the tea (keep up with the slang), Mama’s Bar is the place to go no matter the size you are. All are welcome!

For the final stop, we make our way to Hyrule Castle Town and find the diamond in the rough called Telma’s Bar. Here is the place to be if you have to make plans without anyone finding out (unless you are in the rafters and have incredible balance for a Twili wolf). If you are a Twili wolf, though, you will not be allowed in and will be kicked out by the Goron doorman (the local cat will help you to find the way back in through the rafters). If you come in while in non-Twili beast mode, Telma will greet you, possibly flirt, and will somehow know if you are there to join The Resistance that is in the corner talking about how to bring peace to Hyrule. Though this bar is patronized by traveling swordsmen and castle soldiers alike, she knows how to keep The Resistance in a separate nook in the bar, and, if you look like you know how to protect people, Telma will gladly volunteer you to help those in need. Also, if you had a little too much to drink, the doctor’s office is across the street to help you nurse the headache.

If you wish to discuss the taverns in the Zelda world or what your drink of choice is besides the 200-rupee milk, you can reach out to me on Twitter @rambokuhn, where we can talk about drinks and brewing. You can also visit Wise Old Owl Brewery or my blog, www.hopbrewandblog.com

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